Many people think of divorce as "failure" and use that as an excuse to feel bad.
Failing means that something didn't work.
That means you tried something.
The trick, and the deep trick, is to get excited about
1. having tried
2. what you set out to do
3. how you undermined, or didn't understand, how to achieve what you set out to do
Notice this doesn't say: figure our how your partner made it impossible for you to achieve what you set out to do.
And notice we are begging the question of most people not really knowing what they are setting out to do when they enter a relationship or a marriage.
So, having a vague idea of "happiness and a family," or "true love," or at best "mutual support," things get ragged at times, and since we have parents who usually didn't have fine and kind and awakened ways of dealing with issues, we fall back on bad models of behavior.
And get bad results.
And still : we tried for something.
Admit it. You tried.
If the aim wasn't clear , let's get excited: what could our aim have been.
( and a negative formulation is often a set up for poor results, a formulation like: not so much fighting, someone who doesn't put me down, someone who isn't ocd, or nagging, or whatever the X was; to look for "not the X" is a shadowy path to future happiness. Admit it, and even smile and your temptation, if you are in the looking for a "new one" mode.)
Here's some gold in divorce: what did we really want and were afraid to say aloud
( and gads, admit this, too, that we were too lazy to search for a non negative formulation of what we wanted).
What did you want?
What did you wish you'd said you'd wanted?
And here's more gold: what were you wanting from the other that you were not yet willing to give to yourself.
Say you don't appreciate yourself. And yet you were waiting around for your partner to appreciate you.
Or, you aren't particularly happy. And you are annoyed with (yes and unhappy about) your partner being unhappy
All this has a quick, straightforward and more or less guaranteed "cure" via the Work of Byron Katie.
Was doing this work a part of how you set about to accomplish the goals of your relationship?
Will it be part of your next relationship?
And what has this got to do with enlightenment?
Enlightenment is being present. To the now.
It is letting go of stories about how reality should be different than it is. And one of the major places that we love to complain about and demand that reality be different is in our relationships.
So we can take divorce, and its accompanying pain, as a grand opportunity to realize who we could be when we let go of our "story" about this other person,
instead of doing the usual "my X was a jerk/ sociopath/ dope/ abuser/ creep" and discover how our judgments and demands and criticisms and inability to listen and withdrawing and attacking, how we piled fuel on the flames of unhappiness.
We can learn to have unconditional love for this person who we have separated from.
In a way that's easier, since their so called "annoying" traits we don't have to live with day to day.
But if we can't love everything about them, we don't know how to love yet.
And to be enlightened is to love reality. If this person isn't breaking laws and physically hurting people (in which case there are police person about, ready and willing to help them stop), then we should be able to love them from afar.
If we can't, the news is sad: we can't love ourselves.
Which means we aren't ready for a new relationship yet.
Which means we aren't ready for happiness yet.
Happiness is not necessarily the goal of life, but not being happy is always a sign that we are not in the present and not in love with life.
In other words, not enlightened.
Weird to give enlightenment the freight of taking us out of our misery, but guess what? That's what our misery is for: to wake us out of our trance and get us to work on the real work of letting go of our judgments about ourselves and others.
And the first step, according to the work of Byron Katie, is to be honest. To judge.
Judge yourself and your neighbors.
Write it down
Ask four questions.
Turn it around
Good. If you are divorcing or in a troubled relationship, do the work, or keep suffering, or hide from it in jogging or overeating or new sex or lots of movies or overworking.
Life is choices.
I think to wake up one is best, and you get to decide for you.
Failing means that something didn't work.
That means you tried something.
The trick, and the deep trick, is to get excited about
1. having tried
2. what you set out to do
3. how you undermined, or didn't understand, how to achieve what you set out to do
Notice this doesn't say: figure our how your partner made it impossible for you to achieve what you set out to do.
And notice we are begging the question of most people not really knowing what they are setting out to do when they enter a relationship or a marriage.
So, having a vague idea of "happiness and a family," or "true love," or at best "mutual support," things get ragged at times, and since we have parents who usually didn't have fine and kind and awakened ways of dealing with issues, we fall back on bad models of behavior.
And get bad results.
And still : we tried for something.
Admit it. You tried.
If the aim wasn't clear , let's get excited: what could our aim have been.
( and a negative formulation is often a set up for poor results, a formulation like: not so much fighting, someone who doesn't put me down, someone who isn't ocd, or nagging, or whatever the X was; to look for "not the X" is a shadowy path to future happiness. Admit it, and even smile and your temptation, if you are in the looking for a "new one" mode.)
Here's some gold in divorce: what did we really want and were afraid to say aloud
( and gads, admit this, too, that we were too lazy to search for a non negative formulation of what we wanted).
What did you want?
What did you wish you'd said you'd wanted?
And here's more gold: what were you wanting from the other that you were not yet willing to give to yourself.
Say you don't appreciate yourself. And yet you were waiting around for your partner to appreciate you.
Or, you aren't particularly happy. And you are annoyed with (yes and unhappy about) your partner being unhappy
All this has a quick, straightforward and more or less guaranteed "cure" via the Work of Byron Katie.
Was doing this work a part of how you set about to accomplish the goals of your relationship?
Will it be part of your next relationship?
And what has this got to do with enlightenment?
Enlightenment is being present. To the now.
It is letting go of stories about how reality should be different than it is. And one of the major places that we love to complain about and demand that reality be different is in our relationships.
So we can take divorce, and its accompanying pain, as a grand opportunity to realize who we could be when we let go of our "story" about this other person,
instead of doing the usual "my X was a jerk/ sociopath/ dope/ abuser/ creep" and discover how our judgments and demands and criticisms and inability to listen and withdrawing and attacking, how we piled fuel on the flames of unhappiness.
We can learn to have unconditional love for this person who we have separated from.
In a way that's easier, since their so called "annoying" traits we don't have to live with day to day.
But if we can't love everything about them, we don't know how to love yet.
And to be enlightened is to love reality. If this person isn't breaking laws and physically hurting people (in which case there are police person about, ready and willing to help them stop), then we should be able to love them from afar.
If we can't, the news is sad: we can't love ourselves.
Which means we aren't ready for a new relationship yet.
Which means we aren't ready for happiness yet.
Happiness is not necessarily the goal of life, but not being happy is always a sign that we are not in the present and not in love with life.
In other words, not enlightened.
Weird to give enlightenment the freight of taking us out of our misery, but guess what? That's what our misery is for: to wake us out of our trance and get us to work on the real work of letting go of our judgments about ourselves and others.
And the first step, according to the work of Byron Katie, is to be honest. To judge.
Judge yourself and your neighbors.
Write it down
Ask four questions.
Turn it around
Good. If you are divorcing or in a troubled relationship, do the work, or keep suffering, or hide from it in jogging or overeating or new sex or lots of movies or overworking.
Life is choices.
I think to wake up one is best, and you get to decide for you.
I want to use this opportunity to thank the great prophet for restoring back my home when i taught all hope was lost. My husband left for another woman and i met this great spell caster online and i explain my situation to him, after 2 days my husband came back to me and he is now as i want him to be. You can contact the Priest for any kind of spiritual work at arenaofsolutions@yahoo . com or whatsapp at +15754148400
ReplyDeleteMy Name is Mark Schwartz.I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another man..,When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her Facebook and she changed her Facebook status from married to Single...when i went to her to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job...he told me he gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday...My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done thanks be to Great Matatan a powerful spell of ( matatanspell@yahoo.com . )
ReplyDeleteI never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is (Great Matatan powerful Spell ), he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 4 years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Sydney, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is:( matatanspell@yahoo.com . )
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