Waiting

                              

the other person loves you
they know it

or they don't know it

sometimes you, me, one just has to wait
for them to remember

and what's the best way
to help them along

love them,
of course

Day 5 of upcoming back, 40 days from Heartbreak to "Almost Enlightenment"

5. Loving What Is

[ Welcome to your new lover, the one and only totally, TOTALLY trustable lover: Reality!]

We will be circling back towards this many times, as we explore the work of Byron Katie, as we discover the root of all suffering, as we wise up into the glory of now.

And for today, try this: make a study of when you feel unhappy.

And notice that it is always accompanied by a complaint about reality. (One of those shoulds or shouldn’t again, most likely).

Notice that.

Notice how if you wish harder and stronger that reality be different, you feel worse and worse.

And now try out, test out, tiptoe in to LOVING WHAT IS.

If all alone: love that. Just for a moment. (And then maybe another.)

If angry, love that.

If angry and angry at yourself for being angry, love that.

Is sad, confused, rushed, lazy….., whatever it is, love what is.

Buddha's truths, relationship's parallels, waking up to love in uncomfortable = real

Buddha truth: 4

Life is suffering ( can be)

Suffering from grasping: cling to, push away

Is way out: enlightenment

Is path to enlightenment



Susan Piver's take on this vis a vis relationships:

Relationships are uncomfortable

Trying to stabilize deny hide from discomfort causes suffering

Unconditional love is possible

Path is:
attention, with precision , on moment and partner

openness to what see

let go of trying to control




good,
and her comment:
of Buddhist trained marriage counselor:
in 30 years never found a couple where one didn't want more away ness,
one didn't want more closeness
good

Stuck: Great, wake up time ahead

Moshe Feldenkrais ends his book, the Potent Self, with a statement to the effect that
"One of the great joys in life is overcoming difficulties."

There you go.

Life is about challenges,
and even if the challenge is being delighted
in the present,
that challenge is always present.

We want to change weight.
Get jobs more in tune with our real nature.
Make more money.
Move more easily.
Improve golf, tennis, swimming, yoga, walking, dancing.

We want to relax more,
Be happier.

That's a good base line isn't it:

To be happy.

Happiness is who we are meant to be.

Unhappiness is the alarm signal:
not living life as it should be lived.

Joy is who we are meant to be.

Frustration means:
we want something more.

Can we be happy
and present
and excited
to take our frustration
and turn it into learning?

I think, feel and have experienced
that's a pretty nice way to live.

What do you think?


Ciao
for
NOW,

Chris

Heartbreak and Enlightenment, give yourself 40 days

TAKE IT OUT OF TIME
 If you are in "heartbreak" land.
If your world has crumbled.

 [ A huge amount of suffering comes from the friction and “resistance” caused by trying to instantly “get rid” of it]

 Give yourself 40 days.
Not to wallow.
Not necessarily to feel awful.

But if you feel awful, give yourself some time to “go there,” as they say. “

Go there” can mean the prior two lessons. There will be lots more offered.

 And here’s the idea: LET CURIOSITY AND NOW-CENTERED AWARENESS be the bedrock.

As, oh, I thought such and such and now I feel this and that.

Or, this feeling bad is mainly in my throat. I wonder where specifically it is in my throat. What do I want to say?

Today, my feeling bad is keeping me from getting this done…. I wonder what would happen if I did my tasks anyway.

 (We’ll have several lessons on all the above).

The point is: treat it like a child that needs patience and curiosity: what’s going on with you? What is it like to be you? And leave time out of it. Give yourself 40 days. After all the goal is to get very close to enlightenment in this time, and that seems worth at least 40 days, don’t you think?

Coomunication: From sh...t, to ahaa, something like love, at least learning and listening

Let's say this is happening:
You are talking with someone.

They are disgruntled with you.
You are disgruntled with them.

This happens, you know.

And what's a "waking up" kind of person,
an "on the way to enlightenment" person to do?

Relax.

Remember that the story: "This is supposed to be going
better is just a story."

Shift:
To the present.
To curiosity.
To honesty.

Try the truth,
From the present: I'm feeling uncomfortable with how this is going,
in my chest, and in my breathing and in my story that "you should be different"

Try curiosity:
I wonder what the secret war we are up to is.
Or, I wonder how we're into I'm right , you're wrong land.
Or, I wonder if we could do this differently.

Try honesty:
Part of me just wants to win this argument,
another part wants to have peace and love.

I'm not sure what to do, but I suspect we need to do something different.

Try connecting:
What do you think is missing?
What would you like that you think you aren't getting?

Something like that.

That's the start.

There's more.

Come to my workshop, if you are in Austin,
May 3, 6-8 PM
Reduced rates today, April 25 and tomorrow.
$30 first person in relationship, business, group,
$20 second.

Price at door: $50/ $35.

The aim of the workshop:
Double income
Double relationship happiness
Double "enlightenment"

See page at Awareness Equals Freedom for the
pay pal thingies.

Heartbreak and Enlightenment

This is a big enough subject for a small book.

Fifty, sixty pages, no more.

I'm going to start it tomorrow.

This is just me thinking aloud, in the famous
present.

Heartbreak means: it's over.

Enlightenment means: it's over.

In one, "love" is supposedly over, but it's not,
you can love the woozie doozie out of someone who left you,
or with whom you've had to part for the best interests
of your life.

Love goes on.

The dream story of togetherness, or happy ever after has gone,
and guess what: you can be happy ever after,
not with that person, though, same room, same bed,
same marriage, whatever broke to make heart break.

Oh, well.

The dream has ended and the heart, wanted the fullness,
wanting the love that was there,
or the hint of love that ALMOST made it,
or the moments of Real Love in between
the bickering bullshit,
whatever the dream was:
over.

Oh, well.

In enlightenment, too, the dream is over,
except it's the big, "I'm the one that's all important" dream.

Gad, that's a big one.

And the blowout is gentle, or severe, but
what's left is a very happy
emptiness.

Not like a broken heart.

Like a full heart, with no one owning the contents.

Hmmmm.

Interesting.

Yeah, very.

DEEPENING THE PRESENT
 [ Without slow, life is a rat race.]

 Sit across from your partner. Breathe. Follow your breathing. Then follow their breathing.

By no arrangement, but slowly coming to this: one person will begin to speak. Speak slowly.

Have the idea of speaking one sentence as a time. Limit yourself to between three and five sentences.

Stop. Breathe. The listener make sure they take at least two complete breaths before they start.

Say one sentence of praise, thanks or delight about what the other person said. Include no evaluation in this ( “I’m so happy you aren’t as messed up as you were last week.” BE careful: no evaluation even if they said, ‘I’m finally feeling better.’ Only say, if it is true: “I’m delighted to hear about your happiness.”)

Then spend two to four sentences talking about some related topic, but the emphasis is staying in your own business and leaving them alone.

Do not talk in such a way to give them an example of what they could do.

 If you stray from their topic, that’s fine. Just make it important to you.

And be present to your body and your voice and your words.

 And be present to them.

And stop soon.

And they breathe at least two cycles before it’s their turn again.

now and then, healing game one more time

YESTERDAY IS GONE

[One of the great glories of the past: It is over.]




Think of an argument or a disagreement you have about something your partner, even your imaginary partner, did in the past.
Look at them, or imagine them in the present.
Feel, breathe, sense, aware your world in the present.
Then go back to the “story” about how the past “should have been different.”
Then come back to the present.

Look at them.
Say this: “I can go into the past and make myself….(sad, unhappy, angry, etc, you fill in the blank) with this story {{{ gibberish, gibberish, gibberish}}}. Or I can be present and notice this…..(fill in the blank with the present).”

Go back and forth on this for ten to twenty minutes.
Feel the calming wonderful peace of the now.

Good.

the importance of love, 33

We wake up
one day
or part of one day
or
Right Now

and realize:
I am
I am alive, whatever that "alive" is

and it feels so good
we want to share it
with someone
hug someone
laugh with smile with joke with dance with prance with
hop skip and jump
or
just walk

or even better: lolligag
with another, backs on the grass,
or butts on the stream bank
watching the water
watching the clouds

glad to be alive
together

and there are problems to be solved
money to be made
conflicts to be resolved
pains to be understand and transformed

there is a world to be healed
and waters to be restored
and oceans and indigenous plants and people to
be "saved"

and still
you and a loved one
walk dance hug loving
lolligaging,
talking the truth,
but the slow real truth about you,
not the "you need to fix this" pseudo-truth about them

just you and the friend
in love

that's a nice part
of a nice
day

wishing these for you,
many parts
in
many days

Love is Easy, except it often feels like "losing"

You are having this argument
"thing,"
you and your sweetie are,

and it's the damndest thing:
they think they are right and you are wrong,
and you think you are right and they are wrong

Sometimes, one of you will cave in,
or be argued under,
or start to cry,
and then maybe the battle will cease,

but
who was the one in you that wanted to be Right?

This is an enlightenment question.

Really.
What part of you was so sure that you had been "wronged,"
or that the other person was "wrong,"
or that you were the Victim,
or that whatever went down SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED

 Which is to say,
what part of you wants to be the one
that says how
reality should be?

Which is to say,
who runs this show, anyway?

......
You may be following me.

You may not.

Don't worry.
Think back to a time when you were SURE the other person
was wrong.

Find the part of you that is so sure.

Where does this part live?

What is it made up of?

What does it live for?

What is it all about?

And then think about/ and remember the miracle:
you are alive.

Now.

And experience that,
without any part to describe it,
or catalog it,
or talk about it,
or explain it.

Just experience your aliveness
in this moment.

That's you.

And see,
honestly,
does that you,
want to be right?

This isn't theory.
This is practice.

Love is enlightenment when the tests
come up.
When the hurdles arise.

Leap over.,

See who is leaping,
and what you are like,
when free that way.

And it's not a long way off.


It is, of course, right here now.

Good.

Eating better, could shift, no matke it easier for you to shift, your mood, and YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT ATE

This is inspired by watching my friend,
George Altgelt,
owner and proprietor of GeoGrowers soil making company
near Austin/Fredricksburg,Texas
talk about how important feeding our soil is.

The VIDEO interview with him is here:
INTERVIEW WITH GEORGE ALTGELT

The point is that if you feed the soil, then your vegetables, and trees
and flowers will be so much happier.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT ATE

Feed your spinach organic soil and it will have 83 times more iron than
inorganic spinach.

Feed the meat you eat grass and they will be an omega-3 shot for brain and protein blast for your body.

Feed them the normal feedlot, stress life and GMO food and they will be a cancer bomb.

PS: These statements have not been validated by the FDA, but the 83 times iron is from published research of which George, above mentioned, actually knows the specific source.  

So, what is this blog posting about?

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT ATE

Telling the Truth

Another great photo by Michelle, at mischelle@zahavah.com

I am attracted to .....

I get jealous when you...

I forgot to tell you that .......

I have this feeling that.....

Something is bothering me, and I don't know what it is....

My stomach feels weird.....

I've been feeling that something is missing.....

I had a dream about......

This used to turn me on, but something is changing.

I need time to myself.

I want to talk about my life purpose. I need a listener.

I feel like we are forgetting something important.

Who am I really?

Who are you?


And so on...

If you want a fantastic relationship: tell the truth.
All of the truth.

Good.

Day Two: Life is what is Now: What is it?

Day Two is a deepening of day one.
Here's the exercise.
Go slow. Go slowly. Go slower.

If you are alone. Think of another person. Someone you love. Someone you hate. Someone you want to feel better about. Someone you want to understand better. Someone you want to help. Someone you think has "done you wrong."

Pick just one person, and imagine them in front of you while you do this. Imagine looking into each others' eyes.

1. Breathe.
Follow your breathing.
Notice the other person's breath.
Match their breathing.

This will be shorthanded in the following as:
Breathe.
Notice.
Match.

After matching for awhile:
Say: "I am alive."
And then match breathing a bit more.
Say: "You are alive."
Match.

2. Now, in one sentence increments say:
"This is what it's like being alive, right now."
Only report on your immediate experience.

If thoughts of the past come up, say, frustration at work,
do not say,
"To be alive right now is to be frustrated at work."
Say: "To be alive right now is to have memories/ thoughts of work, and when I have those thoughts I feel ....."

Between each reporting of your life in the moment, go back to
Breathe.
Notice.
Match.

Then say the next: "This is what it is to be alive right now."

Do this three or four sentences, but no more.

Then just be quiet and notice you aliveness
AND their aliveness.

3. Say this truth:
"I am going to die someday."
Breathe.
Notice.
Match.
"You are going to die someday."
Breathe.
Notice.
Match.

4. And then one more sentence:
"This is what it is like to be alive right now....."

5. A final
Breathe.
Notice.
Match.

And then trade turns.

Go slow.
Did I say that.
Go slower and be present.

Let this sink in.
This is all you really need to know.
So, in case you missed the hints: go slowly, and
Breathe.
Notice.
Match.

Good.

Divorce and Enlightenment

Many people think of divorce as "failure" and use that as an excuse to feel bad.

Failing means that something didn't work.

That means you tried something.

The trick, and the deep trick, is to get excited about
1. having tried
2. what you set out to do
3. how you undermined, or didn't understand, how to achieve what you set out to do

Notice this doesn't say: figure our how your partner made it impossible for you to achieve what you set out to do.

And notice we are begging the question of most people not really knowing what they are setting out to do when they enter a relationship or a marriage.

So, having a vague idea of "happiness and a family," or "true love," or at best "mutual support," things get ragged at times, and since we have parents who usually didn't have fine and kind and awakened ways of dealing with issues, we fall back on bad models of behavior.

And get bad results.

And still : we tried for something.

Admit it. You tried.
If the aim wasn't clear , let's get excited: what could our aim have been.
( and a negative formulation is often a set up for poor results, a formulation like: not so much fighting, someone who doesn't put me down, someone who isn't ocd, or nagging, or whatever the X was; to look for "not the X" is a shadowy path to future happiness. Admit it, and even smile and your temptation, if you are in the looking for a "new one" mode.)

Here's some gold in divorce: what did we really want and were afraid to say aloud
( and gads, admit this, too, that we were too lazy to search for a non negative formulation of what we wanted).

What did you want?
What did you wish you'd said you'd wanted?

And here's more gold: what were you wanting from the other that you were not yet willing to give to yourself.

Say you don't appreciate yourself. And yet you were waiting around for your partner to appreciate you.

Or, you aren't particularly happy. And you are annoyed with (yes and unhappy about) your partner being unhappy

All this has a quick, straightforward and more or less guaranteed "cure" via the Work of Byron Katie.

Was doing this work a part of how you set about to accomplish the goals of your relationship?

Will it be part of your next relationship?

And what has this got to do with enlightenment?

Enlightenment is being present. To the now.

It is letting go of stories about how reality should be different than it is. And one of the major places that we love to complain about and demand that reality be different is in our relationships.

So we can take divorce, and its accompanying pain,  as a grand opportunity to realize who we could be when we let go of our "story" about this other person,
instead of doing the usual "my X was a jerk/ sociopath/ dope/ abuser/ creep" and discover how our judgments and demands and criticisms and inability to listen and withdrawing and attacking, how we piled fuel on the flames of unhappiness.

We can learn to have unconditional love for this person who we have separated from.

In a way that's easier, since their so called "annoying" traits we don't have to live with day to day.
But if we can't love everything about them, we don't know how to love yet.

And to be enlightened is to love reality. If this person isn't breaking laws and physically hurting people (in which case there are police person about, ready and willing to help them stop), then we should be able to love them from afar.

If we can't, the news is sad: we can't love ourselves.

Which means we aren't ready for a new relationship yet.

Which means we aren't ready for happiness yet.

Happiness is not necessarily the goal of life, but not being happy is always a sign that we are not in the present and not in love with life.

In other words, not enlightened.

Weird to give enlightenment the freight of taking us out of our misery, but guess what? That's what our misery is for: to wake us out of our trance and get us to work on the real work of letting go of our judgments about ourselves and others.

And the first step, according to the work of Byron Katie, is to be honest. To judge.

Judge yourself and your neighbors.
Write it down
Ask four questions.
Turn it around

Good. If you are divorcing or in a troubled relationship, do the work, or keep suffering, or hide from it in jogging or overeating or new sex or lots of movies or overworking.

Life is choices.

I think to wake up one is best, and you get to decide for you.

Day Seven: What is your present? Feelings vs Reality

In relationship, we get these feelings. 

You know the ones: anger, fear, frustration, neediness, jealousy, worry, sad, lonely, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, confused.

A grand thing to do with those and any feelings in the work of Byron Katie, and that will be the last seven days of our 21 day program. Her work is all of therapy wrapped up in a simplicity and elegance that not only "heals" the various emotional wounds we are carrying around, but can carry us to the enlightened state if we just keep asking: "Is it true?" and "Who are I without the story?"

But for now, today,, let's play with understanding our loss when we leave the present.

You can do this with your partner.

You can do this alone.

Give yourself some time, and allow yourself to "go to" the feeling that is most disturbing you right now.

Say aloud that feeling in it's shortest form:
"I feel angry."
"I feel sad."
"I feel afraid."

Skip the "I am..." form. Why? Because who you are is vast, so much more vast than any mere feeling, or thought, or set of words, or concepts.

So, just say the feeling without/ WITHOUT any of the becauses.
(You know; "I feel angry because you never come home when you say you will." No, stay small, stay direct, stay with yourself: "I feel angry.")

2. Whether alone or with your partner, fill in the "because" part of the feeling, but make it spoken in gibberish.
"I feel angry because ......XVXVXV KDKDKD LILIYGBN." Make up sounds and convey the feeling of your big bad sad angry hurt victim story about how much they are "doing it wrong."

But don't actually say the words.

This gets you a step away from taking it so seriously, or maybe several steps.

If you are in front of your partner, it spares them all the blame about why you imagine you are feeling as you are feeling.

3. Pause. Breathe. Look at your partner. Smile.
Feel your breathing.
Watch their breathing.
Say aloud: "I am alive and breathing." Pause and notice your breathing. As you do so watch their breathing at the same time.
Say aloud: "You are alive and breathing." Pause and notice both your breathing.
Notice them in the light.
Say one or two things you notice in the present from the information light is bringing into your eyes.
"I see you looking at me." "Your shirt is blue."
No, no, no interpretations.

4. Go back to the feeling.
Explore when in the past you felt that way.
Talk about when in the past you felt that way.

5. As you talk about the past, which isn't in the present,
notice,
in the present,
IN THE PRESENT NOTICE,
your sensations in your body. Your chest. Your skin. Your neck. Your eyes. Your legs and arms and spine.
Some might feel tense, usually around the torso area. Some areas might be just fine, say your feet and ankles.
Report the physical sensations that go along with talking about and exploring this feeling and it's roots in the past.

6. Pause and go back to #3. Notice what being alive in the present is about.

Go through the breathing and saying the truths of that section.

7. Keep looking at your partner ( if alone, imagine whomever you are having the feeling about).
Switch between them in the present,
them in some past where they were triggering the feeling,
and
the past persons who triggered this feeling first.

Go back and forth.
Notice how calm the present can be.

Notice the agitation of going back to the "story" of their "crime."

Notice the difference between your partner ( or annoyance person, for this can be an X, with whom you need closure) and the person from your more distant past.

Notice the three possibilities:
the way past woundedness ( and how does that feel in your body)

the slightly past woundedness, when you go into the story about your partner or whomever

the present.

8. Come back to awareness of yourself in the present.
Say aloud, sensing yourself and noticing your breathing and theirs:
"I am alive. You are alive. I am breathing. You are breathing.
I am going to die.
You are going to die."

Have some quiet time, to walk, or rest, and then repeat the process the other way around if you have both people in the same room.

Give yourself lots of time.
Do not explain the gibberish, even if they know.
Do not "defend" yourself against the gibberish, even if it's obvious what it is.
Do not "help" the other with their past feelings. Especially do not go into: I told you so, you weren't really angry at me, I knew all along it was your father.

If you want to be grateful for the present, or for the other person, and to express that.
That would be a fine idea.

Good.

when waiting for an "i love you"

sometimes we are silly
or
maybe we should call it confused
or
even insane
but we can say that insane in the nicest possible way

and that silliness/ confusion/ insanity
goes like this:
"You should send an
'I love you'
my way."

This can be of someone we are "with"
or
someone we haven't met
but we are feeling deprived

can be a wife a husband boy/girlfriend
business chum
high school buddy
all that

we have that
naked and empty feeling
and they
whatever
they

(you know we are single
and waiting for sex to prove we
are okay,
or the smile of liking us,
or anything, anything wanting that
"I love you"
that coming from the best of all real Mom's
would just mean:

it's okay
you're okay

you're more than okay:
you're perfect)

and as we wait,
if we come to the present
and go the the quiet underneath
words
and concepts
and even (in a different way)
underneath "feelings"

if we go quiet
and listen:

the whole universe is
whispering:

I love you

and that whisper is
coming from deepest us
to the rest of us

from deepest us to everyone in the world
plus trees
roses
rocks
cars
gutters
spit slime and gore

the i love you
can't stop
everything is so fine
because we
are the everything
we see hear taste touch know
about
don't know about

it gets kind of blury
in the mystical mess bliss
and
so
f...ing what

life is whole
and the i love you is life whisper shout murmer sing
dancing to us:

I love you

it's everywhere

and if you've read this far,
here's your reward:

anything we are looking for
"out there"
is already "in here"
in the God
that is our heart
when it is a real
heart,
a receiving and transmitting
miracle maker
of
love happiness peace joy abundance bliss creativity

you want it
and
zap
it is you
it is the universe

you are the unirverse is you reverse direction
so many times you don't know
where you are going

and it
doesn't matter
 d
die before you die
you are already home
dead
and gone
to heaven

the kingdom of heaven
is
now
is
in your heart my heart the tree's heart the rock's heart the busy city street's heart
the baby smiling
saying
really
all the people are saying
in the wonderful world song:
they're really saying:
I love you

just soften
slow
listen to the whisper inside the silence

is that
"I love you?" gurgling into
your heart
or
out of it

or into every cell of your body
or out through them

keep turning
keep returning

the dance is sweet
the whirl is complete

and is so fine
to keep turning returning praise laughing loving tears

love is an inside joy
love is an inside job
live is love is like is life is...
words fall
the heart soars

life
lives and loves
itself

and we are just along
for the ride/ dance/ lovemaking love making
song symphony garden forest meadow
ocean
of
it all

of thanks
thanks
thanks

good

Day Four: This is now, this is important, for this I'm grateful

(All the days won't be posted here.
The book will soon be for sale.
A three hour intensive retreat for couples who want to double their happiness,
or cut in half their unhappiness,
will be based on some of the exercises,
plus for the in person work, movement/ brain/ upgrade and happiness "games" will be enjoyed between each
"emotional/ heart upgrade" activity. )

Day four:
As per each day, sit in two chairs facing each other, or
across a table,
or out on the grass sitting facing each other.

Come into the present.

Take turns.

The first person reports on

1) Their present experience at three levels:
Body and shape and gravity: ("I notice my feet pressing the floor and my arms shaped like...)
Torso and breathing ("I notice the air coming in and out of my chest area, and a bit into my belly")
And sound: " I hear...."
2) Their present observing the other with no interpretations:
"I see you eyes. " " I see your white shirt."
If the other is smiling, " I see your smile,"  But not even, "You look happy." Just pure fcts

3) The a statement of what is important,
"It is important to me that ......."

4) A statement of gratitude,
"I am grateful for....."

5) Once more saying present based observations:
body, torso and hearing about our experience; light and image about what we see of the other in the present

Changing around:
The second person feeds back what they heard in #3 and #4:
"I heard you say, This was important to you.
I heard you say, You are grateful for ...."

Then the second person speaks the above 5 steps to the first person.

..........
Going back and forth so each person has at least 3 turns seems a minimum grand action for today.
Or any day.

Day One: Honoring the Life of Another

This is day one of a twenty one day book:
Twenty One Days to Relationship Heaven.

It will be, as much as anything else, a manual of how to use
relationship "issues"
as a springboard for Enlightenment.

Sometimes it will be written in straight go-ahead sentences.

And sometimes,
not.

Here's the exercise/ game/ action/ meditation/ contemplation for the first day.

Sit down with a person with whom you wish to create greater love.

If you are divorced or have had a rocky separation, or even an "easy" separation, do this an imaginary other person, unless they will come join you on one or all of the twenty one days.

But do each day's game.

Here's today's:

Either sit across from each other, or sit across from an imaginary X.

Take turns saying this while looking into each others' eyes, or imagining looking into the eyes of the X.

"I am alive.

You are alive.

I am going to die someday.

You are going to die someday.

I love, honor and cherish you."

Pause between each phrase.

And if you have a complaint, or are angry at the one you are doing this with, so be it: say the words, "I love, honor and cherish you."

Even if you are going to get a divorce tomorrow, say the words.

Even if you got a divorce and they treated you horribly and you are bitter and wounded (which you won't be at the end of the 21 days), say the words. Whisper the words, but say them out loud, while looking into the other person's eyes, whether real eyes, or imaginary ones.

And, if you want to have a good relationship, and you are in a new one, after doing this "in the real world" with your present partner, do this in imaginary back and forth with your X. Even if the X was years ago.

And, if you are doing with with an imaginary X, have them say the words to you too:

"I am alive.

You are alive.

I am going to die someday.

You are going to die someday.

I love, honor and cherish you."

Imagine them looking into your eyes and saying this.

And for everyone, real person or imaginary:
go back and forth with this at least three times.

And it's fair, fine and maybe even recommended to do it one more time today,
just before you go to bed, or while in bed, before you go to sleep.

Or something else.

Good.

Our real hearts, vs the "Wounded" heart

Our real hearts love.

Love the other person.
Love ourselves.
Love our good days.
Love our bad days.
Love the other person's good and bad days.

We are curious and compassionate and generous about our and their
bad days, or moments.

We know that people don't "act out," or act mean, or lie, or act selfishly unless they are
in
pain.

Pain is enough
of a pain,
and if we condemn it, this isn't love.

This is ( our condemning,
if we go that low route)
the same old shit of parents,
and teachers,
and religious leaders who disguise the God thing
for various control trips.

Oh, well.

That's their business.

Our business,
if we want a happy, awakened and useful life:

Watch for others' real nature:
under the wound,
under the "behavior" we think
"should"
be different:

who is the real,
amazing,
same as us,
even though completely unique
person?

AND ON THE OTHER HAND
za wounded heart:
wants others to be wounded,
envies others,
lashes out,
can't be kind,
wants to complain,
wants to put down,
wants to run away when things get "too good,"
wants to run away when things get "tricky,"
wants to control
wants to self absorb

blah, blah, blah

basically:
when we are unhappy, and wanting the other (or ourselves)
to be different,
we
are
not present
and our wounded heart,
which means our mindless self,
which means our unhappy conditioning can run the show.

It's all or nothing,
not in a big Hollywood movie way,
but moment by moment:

are we mindful
or
are
we
mindless

Choose

the choice is the glory
of human life
and the amazing grace
is that this choice is
always

NOW


wow


good for us
good for life
good for all our awakened moments,
good for the suffering from our mindless moments, the pain of which is the
WAKE UP ALARM

YES.

good

Vows for Relationship Enlightenment

1. I vow to be present and authentic in and apart from our relationship.

Authentic means true to my feelings, wishes, goals and moment by moment inclinations.
It does not demand of you to match, join, or even approve of my authentic self.

And most especially, authentic does not include the cowardly "honesty" of complaining about what's going on in me and blaming that on you.

2. I vow to have zero tolerance for any complaining about you from me. I.e. not to do it.
Ever.

3. I do vow to be honest in my feelings, rather than repressed. To combine this with #2, I vow to state my feelings only in this shortened form:
"I feel angry."  Period. No "because you..."
"I feel sad." Period. No "because you..."

4. I vow to take total responsibility for all the "because-s" after any feelings I have.
These usually include some or all of these:
a. lack of being present
b. a story about how the other is not (and should) match some picture in my mind
c. a trigger from some past "wound," which means an area I haven't "done" the Work on yet.
d. a cowardly attempt/ habit  to blame others outside for what I feel inside.

5. I vow to do the Work ( the Work of Byron Katie, TheWork.com) on any and all of my stories.

6. I vow to commit myself to your happiness, to your achieving your life goals and wishes, to your need for space, time and respect.

7. I vow to listen when you wish to communicate. Fully. In the present. No interrupting. No interpreting.

8. I vow not to interpret any of your behavior, thinking or feeling, unless you are doing some inner work and ASK for this.

9. These are my vows.
You can join them or not. I invite you to, and that's your business.
I you join them, I vow not to nag, scold, or even point out when you "fail" to meet them.

10. On the other hand, I vow to listen to your observations about when and how I have missed the mark on keeping them.

11. I vow to make requests, not demands. Which means I vow to honor and even enjoy any and all "no's" to my requests, as what they are: you exercising your right and joy to be precisely the one whom I love: you being exactly yourself, moment by moment.

12.To speak the truth.
This was in #3. As in saying this, which could be true:
"I feel angry."
Rather than this, which is a lie: "I feel angry because you ...."
The real truth is "I let my anger come out when I tell myself the story that you should...
A deeper truth could be: I allow my anger to run me, because then I don't have to be responsible for how "out of control" I feel when I allow myself to unconditionally love you, which is territory I never saw inhabited by my parents.

And to speak the truth means more:
"I want to be a big baby and have you all to myself."

"I want you to worship and adore me, when I want attention,
and I want to be ignored and let alone when I want time to myself."

"I want you to read my mind,
and know what I want without me having to articulate it."

I.e. To speak the humorous truth of my own self centered nonsense.

Which is to say the egoic mind, the me, me, me fellow who thinks it is
Me vs the world.

La, la.
To speak the truth of my lies, any lie that demands another be under my control.

13. I vow to live an awakened life.
As much as I can.
And I vow to create conditions for you to live an awakened life.
As much as you wish.

This does NOT mean lectures, advice, programs. It means listening. Being curious. Searching for an awareness of the unique brilliance of your being alive, right now.

As I can vow to connect with the unique brilliance of my being alive, right now.

Good.
Good

Other people love us, and sometimes they forget

So much of life
is so agonized by wising, wanting, demanding
that some one,
or some ones
appreciate or love or approve of us more.


Trick and truth is:
they do love us.
They may be capable of appreciating us.
They may have the generosity to approve of us.
They may not.

And they do love us.

They just don't know it.

This is an exercise from the book, for sale to the right:
And it's a doozy.

Take someone with whom things seem not to be "going so well,"
and write a if from them to you,
a pretend
letter
to you.


In that letter say exactly what you want to hear.

This is them.

If the letter is kind and loving and apologetic and open
and insightful and seeing how you and they are the same,
and admiring and loving you.

This is who they really are.

You'll feel it.
You'll notice it.

They might never notice nor ever feel this love.

Oh, well.
It's there.

Life is good.

Just relax when someone can't come through with the goods.

Life is good.

They would love you if they could.

They are afraid,
or don't know how to love,
or are afraid to love more,
or afraid to love at all,
or never really learned how to love.

And where are they going to learn?

You loving them, even when they forget that
they love
you.

That's one way they'll learn.

And another: they'll discover the pain of not loving themselves,
and stop.
If they are wise and alert and notice what's what.

If not, they'll keep suffering and
not yet knowing how to love you,
and so be it.

Love them all you can.

They are you, when you forget how much
love you have.

When you forget how much love,
you
are.

Good.

If you are Single and want an Amazing next Relationship

If you are single and want an amazing next Relationship,
here are five things that could be essential:

1. Make a list of everything "wrong" with the last person,
your famous X.
And if there are other further back "X's" who still "bug" you
make a list of everything "wrong" with them.

Then look down the list, breathe, smile and realize every one of
those traits is you, too.

2. Write an apology letter to the X, or X's for your criticisms.
Don't tell them you were right.
Tell them you've realized that you, too, were the one you were pointing the finger at.

3. Write down the statement:
"I really need a new partner to be happy."
Do the work of Byron Katie,
http://thework.com,
on that story.

4. Write down other statements,
"This last relationship was a big mistake"

or
"I'm a failure because the last relationship ended"

or
"If only so and so had been such and such , we could have
had a good relationship."

Any, and every grumpy statement about your past relationship.
Clear it up
with the work of Byron Katie.

5. If you are experiencing loneliness,
look within:
go back and forth between being totally present
and
putting awareness on a loneliness story/ or feeling
back and forth

In the present any sensations of a loneliness "feeling" are real.
Any story accompanying the sensations is non real thoughts/ words/ story in your head.
In the present, be in reality of now.

Contrast that with going for/ being in/ attaching to/ believing your story.

5. Take your pick and be honest about the pick you are taking.

Good.

Improving a Relationship: Listening with Feedback

This is so simple.
And it works.

It works because it violates several of the habits
of the conversations
that we have that either "get nowhere"
or
"go downhill fast."

It violates the habit of interrupting when we get worked up
about what the other said.

It violates the habit of defending ourselves before we've really
considered the "other side."

It violates the habit of:
"What I have to say is important. You, shut up and listen."

It violates the central habit of arguing, the two sided game
of
"I'm Right and you are Wrong."
"No, no, you've got it backwards: I'm Right and you're Wrong."

And you've heard of it before,
it's called reflexive listening.

And here it is again.

1. Get a timer. Set it for two minutes.
Let your partner have their turn.
They say anything they want for the two minutes.
You say nothing.

2. After the two minutes, you repeat back to them
what you heard.
No interpretations.
No defending.
Just what they said.
Pause. Breathe.

3. Ask them of you missed anything.
 a. If so, have them repeat what you missed
 b. And you repeat back what you missed.
 c. And you asked again, Did I miss anything there?
 d. If not, move on. If yes, go back to 3.a.

4. Now it's your turn.
You talk for two minutes.
"Your side" of the issue.
Or just what's important to say, having heard and listened to
what they said.
Go slowly.
Don't try to be right.
Try to talk from your feelings and wishes, leaving out
any criticisms ( including criticisms of them for being
critical. One person at a time wising up)
Talk from what you want and you wish for and the solution
you'd like to see.

Go really slow and actually listen to yourself,
your voice tone, your undercurrent messages, your needs or wants or feelings.
Try to sense your body as you talk.

Which is to say: As much as you can, be present.

5. The timer rings ( later, you can go up to 3 or 4 minutes,
you'll have to discover how long you can listen and still hear it
all and repeat it back). You stop.

They tell you what they heard and ask if they missed anything.

6. And so on.


You'll  know you're really getting somewhere when you're as interested in
their side of things as you are in your own.

This is your life.
You supposedly love this person.
This is a chance to make things better.

Take it.

Loneliness is a Blessing in Disguise

You are in a relationship, and your partner goes away for awhile.
And you're lonely.

You have a relationship, and you or your partner (or both)
decide it's time to end it, and
you are lonely.

You haven't been with a partner in a long time,
or can only find partners that turn out to be contentious,
or duplicitous, or boring, or ...., and the relationships don't last long,
and you long for a Real Relationship,
and you
are
Lonely.

And in all these cases, you get a marvelous chance to discover
what it is like to love.

To love yourself as all the cliche´s say.
That really isn't it, but we might as well get this one out of the way.

Most lonely people, and this isn't going to sound right,
but
oh, well,
are lonely at least in part because they are selfish.
In a way they "love themselves" too much, in the sense
that they,
like you and me and everyone,
fall prey to the me, me, me disease,
and want things to go their way.

And when things don't go their way,
they cause a stink, and the partner gets sick of them
and leaves,
or they are so precious that they have to leave the partner
because they didn't get their way.

This sounds harsh,
but think of it
as oh, so human.

The human condition:
we imagine that other people have a purpose in the universe
and that purpose
is to help us feel good or comfortable or happy or safe
or...
what WE want to feel.

And sometimes, darn them,
they just forget what they are "supposed" to be doing
and actually think that THEY are the center of the Universe.

You can see how this might cause problems.

If it weren't for sex and children, and fear of loneliness,
relationships could probably never last more than a couple
of weeks.

And now we are back to loneliness again.

Do you get lonely walking in the woods,
or in a beautiful meadow?

Usually not. We feel at one with Nature,
and we aren't demanding that the wildflowers
like us more or appreciate us more or lose weight.

We can love Nature for what it is.

This is the kind of self love we need, too.

Are we sad?
Love the sadness.

Are we afraid we will never find a partner?
Love the fear.

Are we bored?
Love the boredom.

Do we wish we could make less mistakes?
Love the learning of HOW we went about making the mistakes,
why we went about making the mistakes, and even ( or maybe especially),
how the mistakes were lessons for us.

So we are alone.

Time to think,
and watch our thinking.

Do we think kind thoughts about ourselves?
Not boastful thoughts, though that isn't the biggest crime in the world,
but kind as in: you are a good person. You are able to learn. You have these interests.
You are learning this and that and that. This is what you enjoy: how about spending more time doing the things you enjoy. This job doesn't really make you happy, how about looking for another one, or thinking about what you really want to do.

If we have unkind thoughts, this is were the fear of loneliness comes in.
Being alone is fine, but if we use the time beating ourselves up inside,
then life gets grueling.

And one thing we can beat ourselves up about is the idea:
I should have a partner right now.

I won't go into the Work of Byron Katie just now.
It's easy to find: thework.com
And if you google my blogs and the work of byron katie you'll find
plenty of essays.
Or buy my book, which lays it out over many smaller chapters.
Or buy Katie's book.

But for now:
this is a gift we can all give ourselves in any lonely moment:
to take the thought that "I'm not okay just here, by myself"
and ask:
Is it true?

If you have a partner and they are off doing something they enjoy
or want
or need
to do, doesn't love recommend loving their doing that,
and self love recommend you enjoy the time free.

Same when loved ones and you have parted ways.

You are spared the troubled times.

You have time to meditate and practice loving
every moment of every day.

When you get even halfway good at that,
so many people will want to be in your company you'll be shocked
and pleased,
and have to use astute heart and mind intelligence to find with whom
you will have the most wonderful time together.

Hint: find someone who is not afraid to be alone.
They won't cling to you.
And since, if you know how to at least halfway love everything
you do,
in partnership or alone,
you won't be afraid to be alone.

And so when you are together,
it can be love time,
not hiding from fear of loneliness time.

That seems like an improvement,
don't you think?

What to do when your Lover isn't Perfect?

Sometimes there are trick questions, and this is one:
What to do when your Lover isn't Perfect?

Because the answer is contained in the question.
Take our the r from Lover and you have what to do?
Love.
Love them.

Think about it: when does someone need love most?
When they are tip top full of vim and vigor and their most charming lovable selves?

Or when they are a bit pissy or selfish, or even mean?

I mean, we all have the mean moments. And never from sitting down and deciding:
damn, I'm bored, I'm going to be a real rat for awhile.

Nope.
We are feeling down about ourselves,
or stuck in our work,
or feeling wounded by someone else,
or some memory from the past,
and suddenly, an innocent (or maybe not so innocent, that doesn't matter)
comes along,
and zap:
we send them a little mean juice.
Say a mean thing.
Give them a look.
Ignore.
Use the tone of voice.

You know the stuff we pull when we aren't tip top.

And that's when we need our Lover, our Friend, our Mate,
to step back
and wonder… ˙Hey, what's eating you? Is something wrong?
Do you need something? Some time? A hug? Some praise? Some listening?

And so,
that's what to do when your Lover isn't perfect:
Love them.

And ask some slow, gentle, curious, caring questions.

That's all.

(And that's a lot).