Our real hearts, vs the "Wounded" heart

Our real hearts love.

Love the other person.
Love ourselves.
Love our good days.
Love our bad days.
Love the other person's good and bad days.

We are curious and compassionate and generous about our and their
bad days, or moments.

We know that people don't "act out," or act mean, or lie, or act selfishly unless they are
in
pain.

Pain is enough
of a pain,
and if we condemn it, this isn't love.

This is ( our condemning,
if we go that low route)
the same old shit of parents,
and teachers,
and religious leaders who disguise the God thing
for various control trips.

Oh, well.

That's their business.

Our business,
if we want a happy, awakened and useful life:

Watch for others' real nature:
under the wound,
under the "behavior" we think
"should"
be different:

who is the real,
amazing,
same as us,
even though completely unique
person?

AND ON THE OTHER HAND
za wounded heart:
wants others to be wounded,
envies others,
lashes out,
can't be kind,
wants to complain,
wants to put down,
wants to run away when things get "too good,"
wants to run away when things get "tricky,"
wants to control
wants to self absorb

blah, blah, blah

basically:
when we are unhappy, and wanting the other (or ourselves)
to be different,
we
are
not present
and our wounded heart,
which means our mindless self,
which means our unhappy conditioning can run the show.

It's all or nothing,
not in a big Hollywood movie way,
but moment by moment:

are we mindful
or
are
we
mindless

Choose

the choice is the glory
of human life
and the amazing grace
is that this choice is
always

NOW


wow


good for us
good for life
good for all our awakened moments,
good for the suffering from our mindless moments, the pain of which is the
WAKE UP ALARM

YES.

good

Improving a Relationship: Listening with Feedback

This is so simple.
And it works.

It works because it violates several of the habits
of the conversations
that we have that either "get nowhere"
or
"go downhill fast."

It violates the habit of interrupting when we get worked up
about what the other said.

It violates the habit of defending ourselves before we've really
considered the "other side."

It violates the habit of:
"What I have to say is important. You, shut up and listen."

It violates the central habit of arguing, the two sided game
of
"I'm Right and you are Wrong."
"No, no, you've got it backwards: I'm Right and you're Wrong."

And you've heard of it before,
it's called reflexive listening.

And here it is again.

1. Get a timer. Set it for two minutes.
Let your partner have their turn.
They say anything they want for the two minutes.
You say nothing.

2. After the two minutes, you repeat back to them
what you heard.
No interpretations.
No defending.
Just what they said.
Pause. Breathe.

3. Ask them of you missed anything.
 a. If so, have them repeat what you missed
 b. And you repeat back what you missed.
 c. And you asked again, Did I miss anything there?
 d. If not, move on. If yes, go back to 3.a.

4. Now it's your turn.
You talk for two minutes.
"Your side" of the issue.
Or just what's important to say, having heard and listened to
what they said.
Go slowly.
Don't try to be right.
Try to talk from your feelings and wishes, leaving out
any criticisms ( including criticisms of them for being
critical. One person at a time wising up)
Talk from what you want and you wish for and the solution
you'd like to see.

Go really slow and actually listen to yourself,
your voice tone, your undercurrent messages, your needs or wants or feelings.
Try to sense your body as you talk.

Which is to say: As much as you can, be present.

5. The timer rings ( later, you can go up to 3 or 4 minutes,
you'll have to discover how long you can listen and still hear it
all and repeat it back). You stop.

They tell you what they heard and ask if they missed anything.

6. And so on.


You'll  know you're really getting somewhere when you're as interested in
their side of things as you are in your own.

This is your life.
You supposedly love this person.
This is a chance to make things better.

Take it.